EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILL
Communication skill
- Listen
Before you even think about your responses to other people, you need to sharpen your listening skills. Have you ever had a conversation with someone whose body is there, but their mind is not? Frustrating, isn’t it?
Poor communicators think that “listening” is merely the act of waiting for their turn to speak all while mentally composing their response. This is agrave mistake. Listening is so much more – it’s a way of providing some one else the chance to share their thoughts and ideas, to build emotional intimacy, and to s owempathy. Today, you’re going to learn the basics of great listening, and then undertake an exercise that will allow you to put these tips into practice. Listening isn’t simply about giving another person the chance to vocalize what’s on their mind, although this is valuable in its own right. Listening is also the first step towards personal change. Psychotherapist Carl Rogers, one of the most influential psychologists of the century, noted that when someone gives us the chance to talk about what has happened to us and how we feel about it, we start to realize the best way to change our thoughts and behaviors.
Although taking advice from someone else can be useful, we are most likely to change for the better if we work through our problems out ourselves. Being able to talk freely to an understanding listener is one of the most
effective ways of achieving this. If your conversation partner rambles, or their thoughts don’t seem to make
sense, hold your tongue and give them the space they need. They might want to talk to several other people first before implementing a plan, or they may need to process the issue in their own time. Try not to get frustrated! Extend to others the patience you would like to receive in return.
- Top tips that will make you an outstanding listener
1. Use non-intrusive verbal and non-verbal signals to encourage them to keep talking: Nodding, and saying, “Uh huh” and “I see” are short, unobtrusive signals that encourage further disclosure. Silence is also okay –sometimes, someone needs a few moments to get their thoughts organized before continuing the conversation. Give them space.
2. Let them keep going until they run out of steam: When I learned to listen properly, I was amazed to discover that a lot of people desperately want someone to slow down and hear what they have to say. This is especially true if they feel angry, upset, or need to work through a problem. One of the most useful, fundamental – and difficult – listening skills of all is to keep quiet and let the other person hold the floor. If you are dealing with an angry or frustrated individual, they won’t be able to think clearly until they have offloaded everything that’s on their mind.
3. Do not play the role of armchair psychologist: To some extent, every one is a psychologist. We all like to come up with our own theories about why so and-so is so angry all the time, why our cousin always falls for men who treather badly, etc. Analyze away – on your own time. When someone shares important information with you, do not speculate about their personal motivations, or why they behave in a particular manner.
At best, you’ll come across as a bit too nosy. At worst, your conversation partner will feel patronized and angry. At you.
4. Do not interrupt with unsolicited advice: Even if you’ve been in the same situation or faced the same problems as someone else, do not offer your ideas or solutions unless asked for them. There are few things more annoying than unwanted advice or suggestions. Resist the urge to tell them that you know exactly what they are going through. To put it bluntly, you don’t. Two people can have a similar experience, yet their personality types, upbringing, and previous life events mean that they will not experience the same emotions.
If your conversation partner asks for your input, then go ahead – but gauge their response. If they appear open to your feedback, continue. However, if they start frowning, crossing their arms, or give any indication that your advice isn’t helpful or welcome, stop and ask whether they want you to continue. Remember, no one is obliged to follow your recommendations. Put your ego to one side. Once you have contributed, it’s up to the other person to strategize their next move. Furthermore, they may not be divulging the whole story, and they will need to take other facts and considerations into account when drawing up a plan of action.
5 . Re-phrase someone else’s words, but don’t parrot them back: You may have heard that repeating someone’s words back to them shows that you have been listening. This is true – to a point. A fine line exists between reflecting understanding and quoting someone verb atim. I’ll use an example to illustrate the concept. Suppose that your friend said the following:
“I’ve been feeling quite lonely lately. It seems like my family doesn’t care what I’m doing or whether I’m even happy.” Here are two potential replies. Which do you think would help your friend feel truly heard, and which would make them feel really annoyed? “So, you feel like they aren’t giving you much attention right now?”
Or
“You’ve been feeling lonely lately, and like your family doesn’t care what you’re doing?” The second response shows that you heard the actual words, but it also sounds downright weird! Your friend might wonder if she’s been talking to a parrot instead of a normal human being. I prefer the first response since it reflects an absorption of the meaning behind the words in addition to the words themselves.
6. Check your assumptions: We all tend to view the world through the lens of our own preferences and experiences. For example, if you are close to your parents and enjoy talking to your mother on the phone every week, you are likely to be upset on someone else’s behalf if they tell you that their own mother is very ill.
But if your conversation partner happens to have a distant relationship with their parents, they probably won’t expect an overly sympathetic reaction. In fact, your sympathy might make them feel uncomfortable.
What’s the lesson here? Do not project your own feelings onto someone else. Let them tell you what a situation means for them personally. Under no circumstances should you tell them how to feel. Accept everyone’s differences, and that no one will react in exactly the same way under the same circumstances.
Put It Into Practice. Your challenge for today is to phone a friend or relative you haven’t seen or spoken to in a while, and then use the conversation as an opportunity to practice your active listening skills. You don’t need to be on the phone for hours, just try a 20-minute catchup. Ask them what they’ve been doing lately and strive to listen attentively. You might be shocked to discover how often you slip into bad listening habits. Afterwards, reread this chapter and make an honest assessment of how you did. This exercise also comes with a nice bonus. By phoning your friend or relative, you can build and improve your relationship. Recall the last time
someone called you up unexpectedly and truly wanted to know how you were doing. It felt good, didn’t it? You felt valued. The person you call is going to feel the same way. Maybe you could even make it a habit to phone them on a regular basis.
- Count The Number Of Times You Interrupt Other People
If you had to identify the most annoying communication habit ever, what would it be? Admittedly there are a lot of contenders, but most of us agree that being interrupted is among the most irritating. Today, you’re going to examine how often you interrupt other people, and then work on giving your conversation partners the time and space they deserve. Interrupting people is easy to do. For example, if you participate in a heated
discussion, you might want to jump right in to exert your voice. If you’re passionate about an idea, your enthusiasm might bubble to the surface. But that’s where the challenge lies. Even if your ideas are excellent, your conversation partner will be too annoyed to give them the attention they deserve if you interrupt. By your interruption, you’re insinuating that your thoughts and ideas are more important than theirs. As you know from personal experience, interruptions derail your train of thought. Interruptions also make someone feel disrespected. If someone values you and your ideas, they will at least have the courtesy to let you finish s peaking, right? You need to apply the same principle when actively listening to others. Interrupting can completely kill your chances of developing a good relationship with someone else, and that’s not an exaggeration. If they feel as
though you are more interested in steamrolling over them with your personal point of view instead of getting to know them, they will start to withdraw from you. - Here’s how to kick the interruption habit:
1. Set targets and give yourself rewards: Set a realistic goal and choose as mall reward as a suitable incentive. For example, you could promise your self that if you make it through the day interrupting people fewer than
ten times, you will pick up your favorite magazine or candy bar on the way home.
2. Stick up signs: The simplest solutions can be the best! I keep a small sticky note on my computer monitor to remind me not to interrupt others. It features a sketch of a closed mouth just beneath an ear. I glance at it when I’m on the phone or webcam. It reminds me that if I strive to grow my relationships – and my business – I need to let other people speak.
3. Write down any points you want to make in advance: While you can’t take notes during an unplanned conversation, you can take a list with you to a scheduled meeting. When you know that your key points are strategically bulleted on a piece of paper, it’s easier to refrain from interrupting. In formal meetings, you can also make notes of your thoughts when some one else is speaking. Once they have finished, you can then refer to your note sand ask for clarification.
4. Remember that your silence is just as influential as your voice: No one likes a showoff or a person who appears to love the sound of their own voice. On the other hand, everyone respects someone who lets other people speak and exercises caution when offering their own opinion. If the thought of keeping quiet terrifies you, consider that your interruption habit might spring from a sense of insecurity. Some chronic interrupters feel the pressure to prove that they have thoughts of their own or even that they have earned a place in the room. Does this sound familiar? If so, your interruption habit might be more than just an annoying quirk. It might be time to examine any underlying feelings of inferiority and address them, either by yourself or with the assistance of a qualified therapist.
5. Practice biting your tongue: The phrase “bite your tongue” can be taken literally here. When you feel the urge to interrupt, sandwich your tongue between your teeth. The sensation will act as a constant reminder not to butt in.
Cultural differences
The advice I’ve given in this chapter assumes that you, and those around you, have been raised in a culture that interprets interruptions as a sign of rudeness. Most Westerners would agree that it’s good manners to let
someone else finish speaking before responding. However, it’s useful to remember that there are cultural differences in how people perceive interruptions. For instance, some cultures regard interruptions and cross-talk as normal. To give two specific examples, those of Italian descent tend to see interruptions as an acceptable way of showing interest in a topic. Mean while, people raised within Japanese culture often believe that it is acceptable to interrupt someone to ask for clarification.
When you meet someone, who seems especially quick to interrupt, consider the possibility that there is a culture gap. It isn’t appropriate to ask some one to describe their family’s heritage, but just knowing that these differences exist can help you remain calm and patient. You can bridge the gap by making an explicit request such as, “I’ve got something really important to say and don’t want to forget anything, so if you
have any questions, could you please save them for the end?”
Put It Into Practice
Today’s exercise is really, really simple – or at least, it’s simple in theory. Count how many times you interrupt other people in all your conversations, and then use the tips above to stop yourself. Ideally, you should try to talk with at least three people. If you can do this while in a group, even better. The first time I tried this exercise, I was dismayed to discover that I struggled to even let people finish their sentences. My intentions weren’t to be rude or annoying, but my conversation partners must have been thoroughly irritated.
Unless I make an effort to keep myself in check, I still catch myself interrupting others a bit too often. It’s a tough habit to break, but your friends and family will thank you for it. Who knows, you might learn something new if you master the art of keeping your mouth shut.
Become An Inclusive Communicator
When it comes to politics and social issues, we all have our own opinions. Yet one thing most of us can agree on is that everyone, regardless of their background or individual characteristics, deserves to be treated with respect. Today, you will learn about the importance of inclusive communication. What is “inclusive communication” any way? In a nutshell, a good inclusive communicator takes care not to alienate or
offend an entire group of people based on their personal attributes. They do not make assumptions based on an individual’s characteristics. Inclusive communication acknowledges and values diversity.
globalization, people from all backgrounds now work and socialize together. Inclusive communication builds harmonious relationships between individuals, and it even boosts business performance. Research reflects a
positive correlation between gender diversity, ethnic diversity, and profit inorganizations.
Tips for inclusive communication
1. Don’t emphasize a characteristic if it isn’t necessary to do so: For example, let’s suppose that you are telling your team that an employee from another department is scheduled to work with them on a new project. This
employee, a man called Sam, happens to be gay. It would not be appropriate to say, “Sam, the gay guy from Department X, will be joining us on Monday.” Sam’s sexual orientation is not relevant to his work, so drawing attention to this characteristic is not necessary.
2. Don’t assume a person’s gender or sexual orientation: Choose gender neutral terms if possible. For example, if your manager is leaving the company and you do not yet know the gender of their replacement, it is more appropriate to use “they” in reference to the possible candidates instead of “he” or “she” until a permanent replacement is selected. Do not assume that a person is heterosexual. It is better to use terms like “partner” or “significant other” instead of “boyfriend,” “wife,” and so on.
3. If you need to talk about someone’s disability, do so in neutral terms: It’s true that many people with disabilities do suffer as a result, but it is presumptuous to make statements such as “Peter suffers from epilepsy” or “Mary is afflicted with schizophrenia.”
4. Focus on a person, not any disabilities they might have: Do not define someone by their condition or illness. For example, it is better to say, “Path as depression” rather than “Pat is a depressive” or “Pat is depressed.”
5. Do not uphold stereotypes: Making assumptions based on someone’ s nationality, ethnicity, or other characteristics is offensive because it shows alack of respect for someone’s individual talents and personality. This philosophy stays true even of positive stereo types. For example, if you meet a Chinese accountant, it would be inappropriate to suggest that Chinese people naturally make good accountants because “Asians are so good at math.”
6. Show respect for race and ethnicity through proper capitalization inwritten communication: For instance, “Native American”, “Black”, and “Torres Strait Islanders”, should always be capitalized. If in doubt, look up
the term in a dictionary or use a reputable online resource.
7. Be mindful of context: Bear in mind that in some instances, it is acceptable for members of a group to use words that would be offensive if used by outsiders. For example, some members of the LGBT+ community
refer to themselves as “queer.” However, this word is usually considered offensive if used by a heterosexual person, and not all LGBT+ people accept it in the first place. If in doubt, any “loaded” terms that have historically been used to insult or belittle others are best avoided.
8. Avoid patronizing individuals or groups of people: If you have a disability, you might have heard someone describe you as “brave” or “inspiring” for carrying out normal day-to-day tasks such as cleaning your
home, going to work, or exercising at the gym. I have a cousin who walks with a cane following a car accident several years ago. Several well-meaning people have praised him for being “an inspiration”. Their intentions are good, but my cousin just feels patronized. Do not assume that just because someone has a disability that they want to be recognized for merely existing! Is inclusive communication really necessary?
I respect the fact that some people think inclusive communication is “too politically correct.” However, wherever your personal views land, you can quickly find yourself in trouble if you do not use inclusive communication. For instance, using sexist language in the workplace could land you in hot water with HR, or earn you a reputation as someone who doesn’t keep up with modern etiquette. Why making offensive jokes is harmful, even if you really are “only joking” Over the years, I’ve met a few people who claim that it’s acceptable to make offensive jokes, or stereotype groups of people, as long as you don’t really hold offensive views.
But here’s something to think about – people who do support negative stereo types and hold racist, sexist or other offensive views will feel justified whenever they hear such “jokes.” This means that racism, sexism and other forms of bigotry go unchallenged.
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